Making. And rather a lot of paddling.

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Thirty years ago a bunch of things happened. The first naked-eye supernova since 1604 (a long time ago — before Galileo built his telescope, even) appeared in the southern sky. (Apparently one of my favorite albums was a key part of the discovery process. Learn something every day, I guess.) The system where this text is being edited was created. And my one and only piece of something-not-totally-unlike-matchmaking bore fruit nuptials (#2 — completely accidental, I assure you). It all started on a warm summer day a few years earlier.

Once upon a time there was a poo-coloured building next to a bile-coloured one. (They’re both still there if you care to look. Over the years I’ve occasionally curled with the (then) owner of the poo-coloured one; he’s getting on but is still active. I’ve never met the owner of the bile-coloured one.)

Nobody lived in the bile-coloured building (since it housed a funeral home there wasn’t really much in the way of accommodations there for, you know, live people) but the poo-coloured one had a host of mostly alive and kicking inhabitants. There was a professor with a moustache. There was a stoner without one (who lived with his mother — maybe she didn’t like them). There was a budgie named Cornflake. And there were two kinda nerdy gradual students in apartment 12 — a taller, better socialized one and a somewhat shorter but significantly more misanthropic one who wasn’t yet named after a houseplant. As it happens, that one had a friend (A physicist? With a friend? InconCEIVable.) who was (significantly) shorter still, who was a doctor not a gradual student and who was even a girl. One day Mr. Misanthrope got a phone call from Dr. Even Shorter.

“M? ES here. I’ll be passing through your dreary little burg with my posse on Saturday and I thought I could stop by. You could make tea.”

The Saturday arrived and, being an idle layabout (autocorrect suggests ‘ladybug’ but I’m pretty sure that’s not an appropriate replacement), Mr. M decided to go sailing before the arrival of Dr. ES because his dreary little burg was (and still is) a good place to do that sort of thing. He left plenty of time because Dr. ES was known to get a little testy at times, especially if kept waiting. Unfortunately, when he was about seven kilometres from his boat’s ‘home’ (really just a patch of concrete with a number painted on it) the wind decided to call it a day. Lake Ontario became a sheet of glass. That almost never happens.

“That almost never happens” Mr. M said to himself. “I guess I’ll just have to paddle back. Good thing I left myself plenty of time.” Then he discovered that, no doubt because of his near-legendary attention to detail, he had left his paddle in the trunk of the car.

Uh oh.

So Mr. M lay down on the front of his boat and started paddling. With his hands. It worked, but was not what you’d call ‘breakneck’.

Meanwhile, back at the poo-coloured building, Mr. Taller Gradual Student went about his day, blissfully unaware of the life-changing event bearing inexorably down on him.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. He answered it and discovered a diminutive physician and her coterie of loyal henchlings (this was in the days before the word ‘minion’ had entered common usage). “Where’s that no-account M? He’s supposed to be making tea.” “He’s not back yet. He went sailing.” Slightly mollified, Dr. ES and her wingmen filed in. (What happened after that is a bit of a mystery but I’m told it included a scene something like this.)

Eventually Mr. M ceased being a gradual student and moved to a little house two kilometres away from the poo-coloured building. Mr. TGS also ceased being a gradual student and moved rather farther — about a hundred miles up the road. Some years later (which brings us back to thirty years ago) he put on a red necktie and married Dr. ES. And they lived happily ever after.

I mean, as far as I know. Hopefully there was tea.


The Author

Rose Glace is the pseudonym of nobody important.

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