I should be running errands, but I’m not. I am a parasite.
But not totally. I do have the odd redeeming feature. The other day I took the garbage out (well, some of it). Sometimes I wash the dishes. And once in a while I make dinner. (Like last night. I made sandwiches and defrosted soup. Yet again I demonstrate that my uberness in the kitchen knows few bounds.)
Of course, making dinner implies shopping — after all, you can’t cook without ingredients. Before you can break the eggs, you have to buy them. And shopping is often… surreal. Why? Because apparently in supermarkets logic often just doesn’t apply. At the very least, the rules of logic change at the door. Eighteen months ago I made the point, for example, that a supermarket near me used to place lime-flavoured sparkling water several aisles away from lemon-flavoured sparkling water. I’m sure they had their reasons but trying to imagine what those might have been made my head hurt.
To summarize the summary, supermarkets don’t make a whole lot of sense. (And people are a problem — that goes without saying.)
Things get even weirder at certain times of year. A couple of months ago, for example, I went out during the pre-NDGGD furor and it was… odd.
The first thing I saw was a display for delicious holiday logs.
I didn’t really examine the display all that closely. I decided that the adjective ‘delicious’ doesn’t really go with the noun ‘log’ even if you add ‘holiday’ to the mix. Logs are for giving to small children or for frowning owlishly at or maybe for strapping to your Soviet-made armoured vehicle — just not for eating. And what oddity of the season would try to put it on the menu? I thought about that for a while, then I got to the onions.
There was a moderately large pile of them over a sign that said
Tis the season.
Tis the season for onions? All thoughts of the deliciousness of logs fled from my thoughts as I pondered this new information. I mean, onions, like all things grown in the dirt have seasons. But the expression ’tis the season’ generally makes its appearance in the run up to NDGGD. Onions are christmassy? I had no idea.
That train of thought kept me going until I got to the ‘condiments’ aisle, the real reason for my visit to the supermarket in the first place. (Dinner that night demanded fermented cabbage and we were fresh out.) It took me a while to find it because my head was full of festive holiday logs and onions wearing little red and green elf hats but find it I did. They had two kinds. Which one should I pick?
A butcher from The Old Country once told me never to buy sauerkraut in a can. Both of the ones on the shelf were in jars, though, so no help there. One of them was fairly generic sauerkraut made by a fairly generic condiment maker. I’ve had it and it’s not bad at all. The other….
The other kind had a tag rubber-banded to each jar. The tag said, in large red-and-green letters
FOR THE HOLIDAYS
That clinched it.